Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
