I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
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Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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