Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize
