I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
