party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
