I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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