I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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