I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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