i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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