There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She even gives head with a lisp.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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