people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
