Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
