So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
