My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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