I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
