I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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