bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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