I will die if light touches me.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
