So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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