Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
