i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
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Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
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Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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