I must be too annoying 4 u.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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