I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Can I color on your dick again?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
