his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
