I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
