Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
where are you?
Hypothermia
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
