well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
