Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
