She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
