She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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