Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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