Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
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She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
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I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..