90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
