Need sex. Gaining weight.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night