my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet