cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time