I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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