I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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