My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
