Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
