Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize