Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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