I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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