I haven't been this sober since birth.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
