My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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