I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
