I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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