so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
