You work out of a Hotel?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
