so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
