she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
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Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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