Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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