just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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