I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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