I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
