They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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