i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
