pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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