apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
